Live Truly

I’ve been working from 2-10 and studying from 7-11. Commute is less than an hour. Where do those extra two hours disappear?!
Very drained. Very excited about things at work. Coursework is interesting too. Very busy. Very drained. A bit tuned out. But strangely alive.
I’ve become numb. Kind of crazy. I have to finish this project. This is the moment where people either get stronger or snap.

Yesterday I applied for what seems like a dream job. As in a job where I get to learn about every aspect of a business I’m really interested in. Decent pay, but amazing experience. I couldn’t wait to hear back from them. I was so excited about it that I’d be happy to take it even if it meant a big cut in pay.

Well surprise, surprise. I guess this is what happens when you get ready to move on. Today my boss lets me know that our start-up just got more funding and that I can finally expect to start making some of it. This presents an interesting situation, on one hand I know that there’s more opportunity and pay in this field, and a wider reach, and more creative and complex work. There’s also an amazing team and every day I feel lucky to be around such bright people. On the other hand, I’ve been saying I’d like to get away from the field for the last few years. The people and work is great, but I come home at eleven, dead and drained. In the morning I’m eager to do everything, study, anything, except go there. I feel like I’ve stopped growing and I feel like I’m losing my life there. When inside that little office, I just want to rip out my hair and run away. My main motivation for working is because I want to finish the project so I can move on and away. But now, with promises of different work and better pay, I wonder if maybe it is worth trying and I’m feeling bad because these things are negotiated with investors. At the same time, I just want to get as far away as I can, stick with my goals and plans, try other fields, and maybe spend six to eight hours in front of a computer instead of eighteen.

I’m really not sure which way to go. Both the dream job and my current place are a lot of hard work. In my current place, I’ve gained more experience than in my entire university education, and I have a chance to work and learn from top notch programmers and entrepreneurs and simply fascinating people. It’s super small, so we’re all one to one. This really is building something huge, true business, and it’s the opportunity of a lifetime. At the same time, I feel no flow at this job or with what I’m doing and want to move and try another professions to know what to really pursue. Not because of self-doubt or laziness, but because I’ve been saying this to myself for the last few years and I’ve finally started the process. Tough tough choices in the next few days. In any case, I’m determined to finish the current project. We’ll see where things go after that.

The Occupational Outlook Handbook from the US Department of Labor is a deep source for information about jobs and careers. Tonight, I tried getting more information from monster and a few other sites but none offered organization as clear as the OOH site. It discusses required education, outlooks, salaries, and job conditions. It also lists similar careers. Of all the sites out there, this one was the richest and easiest to use. It even offered earning statistics for commission-only jobs.

I finally sat down and wrote out my first long term goals draft in over a month. It took three hours to sort things out, and it’s just a rough draft, but even with the ideas clearing up, I’m feeling the peace and clarity coming back. I also found a job that has the perfect combination of work, learning, and location, and fits perfectly with the goals. Applying tomorrow morning (in 3 hours). Can’t wait to start learning and earning while truly living each day.